


You'd Ruin Me.

by HomoForce



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 11:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/722405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomoForce/pseuds/HomoForce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall can't do it. Harry is too much. And when he tries to end it, the boy who knows everything gets in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'd Ruin Me.

I’m terrified. I can actually feel my bones rattling and my heart pounding. Everything, all of it, is too much for me. He’s too much for me. I can’t do it.

The sheer thought of him makes me want to run; hide away so no one finds me and I only have to deal with myself. He isn’t what I need; he’s what I’m afraid of.

The green of his door gives me a headache, his jacket in my hand feels heavier than a bus; I can’t do this.

Knock, Knock. Footsteps. Squeak. Step. Breath.

I’m in his house. And it smells like him.

His tall, thin shadow standing in front of me burns my eyes. I don’t want to cry.

“What’s wrong Niall?” He could tell I was worried. My face is more readable than a billboard.

“Ha..Harry, we..I….” I can’t do this.

“Niall,” He says, running his hand up and down my arm “just speak. It’s okay.” His eyes flickered with worry and anxiety. I was killing him just as much as I was myself.

“I can’t be with you this isn’t working I’m sorry” The words sputtered out of my mouth so fast I was unsure of what I ended up saying.

Harry’s face drew in; eyes scrunched up, forehead wrinkling, frown appearing. He grasped my empty hand squeezing tightly. “You don’t mean that.” He shook his head, almost to convince himself. “You don’t.”

I shoved his jacket into the center of his chest, pulling my other hand out of his. I looked up into his face. It grew more heartbreaking each second; his eye’s searching mine for a reason why I was doing this.

I couldn’t understand any more than he could.

“Harry.” He took hold of the jacket, freeing me from the last piece of him.

His hand clutched the worn brown leather that reeked a stench of us. His sweat from wearing it when it was warm out; mine from trying to play football in it. The folded up napkins, notes and ticket stubs hidden in the deep pockets. The tears engraved into the sleeves from when there was no other place for them to go. The musk of his cologne and mine; even the smell of waffles from Sunday morning brunches. It was all us; and I didn’t want us anymore.

My eyes made their way to the floor. My trainers next to bare feet. Bare feet that padded across my floors in the mornings, running from room to room, looking for their owner’s beanie.  Focusing on other things was what I needed to do. Yes, just think about something else and get out of there. Don’t think about him. Don’t thin-

A hand pulled my face up by the chin. Green eyes met mine and locked.  I could feel his breath pushing against my skin; lips slightly parted and so close to mine. The imperfections of his face magnified but painfully beautiful still.

I snapped my head away, pushing him backwards with two hands to his chest.

“I can’t do this.”

I turned on my heal; focused on the door, focused on the air, the sky, the other world waiting for me outside. The other world where Harry Styles wouldn’t ruin me.

I wanted to go; I could feel my eyes welling up, my chest ready to burst. All the pain, emotion and worry filling up my vision; pounding in my head. My skin felt cold, my heart not beating; I felt dead. I might as well have been.

Large hands wrapped around my upper arms, pulling me back into the place I was trying so desperately to escape. I was turned, forced to meet the boy I didn’t want anymore.

I panicked, I pushed, I pained. Hands shoving him away; resisting his love and strength. He wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me against him.

“Niall, STOP.” It was like poison ran off his tongue. Sweet poison that I wanted but I knew I shouldn’t have.

I listened.

I wrapped my hands around his biceps, squeezing to make him feel the pain I was feeling.  I focused on his collar bones; watching them tighten with his frustration, trying to avoid his face.

He put a hand to my cheek, making me look up at him. His warm palm burned against my cold skin.

We were silent. I froze, my eyes couldn’t move from his and the familiar feeling of falling returned. Falling, endlessly, into a blackness where I was lost and there was only him; engulfing me, swallowing me whole and I would never return as Niall again. I would come back as a broken, abandoned, version of Niall that could never be whole again. He would ruin me, and I knew that.

“Niall” He sighed heavily “What are you doing?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer; there wasn’t one.

He looked at me, just looked, read, took me in and that was it. One look and he could tell; he could always tell, he always knew. I would show up again and again, cold, broke and beaten and he would know without a word from me. He always got into my head; he had the information about me that I didn’t. It made me uneasy to have someone so close that they can tell everything that’s going on inside you at any moment. People like that are the ones that devastate you when they leave. And they always leave.

“Niall.”

There was a pause. The nod of the head; the four rapid blinks of a pair of eyes. A look that could make the devil fall to his knees; so terrified because he’s been found out. Completely.

“You’re scared. You’re terrified. That’s why you’re running.” His eyes were deep with thought. He figured it out before I could even grasp it.

“Niall, you don’t need to be scared. I won’t hurt you. Ever.”

“Bullshit Harry, bullshit. You’ll hurt me and I’ll break!” The words were all broken and breathy, they couldn’t come together to form a proper sentence but they still leaked every bit of my soul to this boy; this boy who already knew.

“I’m not strong Harry. I can’t take a beating to my heart; it’s the only piece of me I can’t protect.”

“No Niall, that’s bullshit. You are strong. You’re the toughest lad I’ve ever met. You’re just scared.”

“Scared of what?” Desperation of tone. Weakness of heart.

“Me! You’re scared that you’ll love me. You’re falling in love with me and it scares you because you don’t think you can handle it. But you can.”

“Really? How do you know that? How do you know I won’t crumble and break down until I push you away? How do I know you won’t ruin me and break my heart?”

“Because I love you! I’ve known you Niall; I know you. I would NEVER hurt you. And I know you doubt yourself, but you can fall in love with me. And I know it hurts, but it’s supposed to! That’s why I’m here; I’ll take away the pain because I feel it too. That’s how falling in love works. It’s messy and painful and terrifying but it’s worth it; it’s worth it to find that person you can’t function without. That person you feel empty without; like there’s no air left to breath, no sun to shine, and no life to live if they’re not with you.”

He took a breath.

“You can be scared Niall. But I’m here; I’m here and I’m not going anywhere because I’m in love with you and nothing you say or do will get rid of me or make me stop loving you.”

I didn’t have anything to say. My mind was racing; trying to put everything Harry just said with the worries trapped inside my mind. How could I have been so stupid? To try and leave when I needed to stay. I let the “what if?”s determine the now. I was weak; I let my feelings and fears take over my sense and I tried to push away the one thing that made me strong. Harry.

I sighed, pulling myself into him; burying my head into where his shoulder met his neck. His hot breath cascaded over my neck, reminding me this is what I need. Harry kissed the back of my ear, quietly whispering “I love you” in his deep voice.

“I love you too” I whispered into his collar bones.  And I really did.

I could do this. With Harry.


End file.
